Performance Standards
We couldn't give a damn about relability and time keeping, this isn't Switzerland. They are part of the European Economic Area. If you don't like our lack of standards, move there.
Reliability (as measured over a four week period)
We will determine the four week period. The four week period may be shortened or lengthened at our sole discretion.
Any train which does not operate is no a longer a scheduled train, as it has been removed from the schedules.
All services start at a given point and end at a given point, both of which will be determined by us at our sole discretion. We will build as much slack as we like into the timetable between the first and second stops and the penultimate and last stop, thereby ensuring that trains arrive on time at the end point, meeting our standards in the process. If you are travelling to/from an intermediate station, you are not recognised by our system.
Punctuality (as measured over a four week period)
We will determine the four week period. The four week period may be shortened or lengthened at our sole discretion.
Timetables are purely advisory. Trains will leave when the driver feels like it, subject to the approval of his Trade Union.
InterCity Trains
As noted above, timetables are purely advisory. Departure/arrival times will depend on a number of factors, including but not limited to cigarette breaks, toilet breaks, trade union meetings, greivance hearings, anything that we don't like the look of, etc. If your reason for travelling is time critical, use an alternative method of transport. We run trains, not provide a service.
DART/Commuter Trains
We operate a 30 year old semi computerised signalling system, which does not recognise the presence of some of our rolling stock. To avoid killing you, we deliberately stop your train regularly, on the basis of better late than never. Negotiate an employment contract with flexi hours. If you are worth retaining, your employer will grant this to you.
Improvements to Track, Stations and Signalling
We are committed to using the slowest, most unreliable contractors to carry out upgrade works. These are designed to maximise the inconvenience to you. Each staff member has their own area of unaccountable responsibility and is free to stop services whenever they please to carry out upgrade works. We will endeavour to ensure that no co-ordination of work will take place, thereby maximising the number of times that we do not have to run trains. This policy is specifically designed to maximise the cost to the taxpayer, as it is common knowledge that the common man/woman (otherwise known as "plebs") cannot be trusted with their own money.
Customer Information
We operate the mushroom philosphy of customer care. This is on the advice of our legal team, who advised us that any employee giving information could be held accountable for that information by you. We have an agreement with the 542 trade unions representing staff that no employee can be held accountable for anything that they do or don't do.
Where electronic platform notice boards exist, we guarantee that they will show a time to the next train that is incorrect. Upon the (purely advisory) time for departure in published timetables being reached, the train so (advisorily) scheduled for departure at that time will be removed from the noticeboard in order to avoid anyone being held accountable by a court of law.
Disabled Passengers
If you are disabled, accept your fate. It is a punishment from God (Pope John Paul II said so). Please remember that every attempt you make to use our services costs someone time and money.
Buying your Ticket
We will sell you whatever ticket the ticket clerk on duty wishes to sell you. You will thank the ticket clerk for their inate wisdom. We will endeavour to roster our staff off duty at peak times, thereby increasing the queue length to the maximum. You will be prosecuted if you board a train without a valid ticket. We are above the law, you are not.
In the event of you being unable to buy a ticket before departure due to lack of a manned ticket office/machine, ticket machine not working, etc., you are not permitted to travel. Anyone doing so shall be required to pay a penalty fare, with no right of appeal. The Gardai have agreed that this is not any of their business because as a State body, we are above the law.
Getting a seat on board
We are continuously attempting to reduce costs by cramming as many of you as possible into ever shorter trains. Eventually, we intend to have no seats. Standing is good for your circulation.
Making Telephone Enquiries
If you aren't able to figure it out yourself, ask someone else. We are keen to encourage the community spirit that this policy engenders. All calls to 1580 ASSHOLE will be recorded and traced as nuisance calls.
Quality Standards
Trains
Cleanliness
A lot of modern illnesses are caused by non exposure to dirt. We endeavour to create an immunity to illness by exposure to dirt.Smoking
We have gone to considerable lengths to ensure that the workplace smoking ban is unenforceable on our services and in our stations. Staff have been advised that the Gardaí are not responsbile for enforcing this law and therefore, nothing can be done by any loser complaining. We smoke too, so we understand that the legislation is fascist in nature and should be repealed. Notices advising of penalties for smoking are there to fool any inspector happening upon the scene.
Catering
We endeavour to minimise value for money, opening hours and access to this service whenever possible, thereby proving that it is losing money.
Public Address
We will endeavour to maximise the amount of white noise emitted through our PA system, thereby ensuring that as few of you as possible can hear what was said. This is in accordance with the mushroom philosphy of customer care.
Stations
Customer Facilities
We will make our waiting areas as uncomfortable as possible. Shelters, where provided, will be left open to the prevailing wind, thereby ensuring easy access for wind blown rain. Enclosed shelters would fall under anti-smoking legislation as enclosed workplaces, thereby allowing interfering busybodies to report us for non compliance.
Smoking
We have gone to considerable lengths to ensure that the workplace smoking ban is unenforceable on our services and in our stations. Staff have been advised that the Gardaí are not responsbile for enforcing this law and therefore, nothing can be done by any loser complaining. We smoke too, so we understand that the legislation is fascist in nature and should be repealed. Notices advising of penalties for smoking are there to fool any inspector happening upon the scene.
Cleanliness
A lot of modern illnesses are caused by non exposure to dirt. We endeavour to create an immunity to illness by exposure to dirt.Information
We operate the mushroom philosphy of customer care. This is on the advice of our legal team, who advised us that any employee giving information could be held accountable for that information by you. We have an agreement with the 542 trade unions representing staff that no employee can be held accountable for anything that they do or don't do.
Queueing
We will endeavor to maximise the time that you must wait before being allowed to board your train. If you take part in an orderly queue prior to boarding, you are a fool. Wait in the immediate vicinity of the platform gates and surge forward when they are opened. Please remember that this is at your own risk only. We are not liable for anything.
Our Colleagues
We are a public service organisation. This automatically implies that we are right and you are wrong.
We allow our colleagues to:
Your obligations
Your non negotiable contract with us is set out in our standard terms and conditions, which are only available on request in writing of your own hand (in triplicate) from Portumna Bridge station. This will be analysed by hand writing experts in order to classify your handwriting as that of a loser.
The decision of our staff is absolute and final.
Photography is not permitted, unless the intended image shows us in a postive, caring light.
Anyone reporting a breach of anti smoking legislation will be expelled from our property as a troublemaker.
When a train stops between stations, arbitrarily or otherwise, anyone objecting to the false imprisonment that this entails will be threatened with prosecution for public order offences.
As a crowd control measure, we may lock station entrances/exits to prevent entry. If you are alighting at such a station, you hereby irrevocably give your consent to being imprisoned in the station until we decide to unlock the entrance/exit.
You are not permitted to travel on our trains if you are unwell. If you faint aboard one of our trains you are in breach of this requirement and will be dealt with accordingly.
Discounts in the Event of Delays
Please be advised that timetables are of an advisory nature only.
If you can find an employee at your destination and have been falsely imprisioned for more than an hour, you may be able to obtain a form to enable you to graciously beg for a discount off further imprisonment by us. This will be subject to forms being available. Release of such forms will be at the sole discretion of the employee.
Putting Things Right (by us)
Whilst we are aware that An Post are in financial difficulties, don't waste the cost of a stamp contacting us. We don't care.
If we decide to respond to you (at our sole discretion), this will be in a patronising format. After all, if you haven't got the message that we don't want you as a customer, you must be stupid.
Car Parking
We have contracted out the car parks paid for by your taxes to No-good Cock-sucking Pricks and Shitheads Ltd, a company specialising in extortion and theft. Quotas for a minimum number of extortion and theft incidents (commonly referred to as "clamping") have been set and must be met by No-good Cock-sucking Pricks and Shitheads Ltd in order for them to be paid. There is no right of appeal to any act of clamping as it is for your own good. The most corrupt police force in Western Europe have agreed that extortion and theft is not anything to concern them as it does not involve them standing at the side of the road with a speed gun.
Listening To You
We are a public service organisation. This automatically implies that we are right and you are wrong.
WE ARE NOT PERFECT BUT YOU MUST BE.
2006 Iron Road Aaron, a subsidiary of Cycling Is Easier.